can i have a cookie?

I'll be a junior next year, so I'm facing the question, what the fuck do I do with the rest of my life?  College will be the hardest decision, I don't even know what factors to base my decision on.  collegeboard.com helps.  So I'm looking at most likely aerospace engineering, hopefully building spacecraft for NASA or even a private company, who knows what it will be like in 6 years or so.  I've also had an interest in something like psychology or neuroscience, I'm taking AP Psychology next year and we'll see how I feel then sometime.  I also would be interested in (don't laugh) alternative energy reasearch.  I haven't been able to find anything on that, and I don't even know what kind of major to call that, so I guess will see but right now it looks like aerospace engineering.

Another totally different thing I could be interested is filmmaking.  I've made a few short crappy videos for school which everybody just loved, and I kind of have this fantasy where I make a sweet mock trial documentary.  I have all these ideas and everything, thought out in detail as if I was actually going to do it.  That's not healthy, is it?  Anyway, that would be cool, but I'm not seriously considering it.

Sometime I wonder if I'm wasting my youth.  I know that sounds stupid, but I spend hours every day on the computer, either blowing time on my tfc map i'll never finish, playing games, or putting family videos on DVD which takes a long time.  BOOOOOOORED.  I haven't had a girlfriend since 7th grade, which didn't really 'count', although I have plenty of friends who are girls.  Some nights I just get depressed and feel like a complete loser, which I am.  I haven't ever felt like I've done anything constructive since school ended, that's just the way things tend to go in the summer for me.  I hang out with friends maybe once a week.  That doesn't count the other friend nobody likes too much who calls me almost every day.  He's stupid, immature, and doesn't know how to deal with people.  Believe me, that felt good... I go to his house and we'll watch some daytime TV show like Jerry Springer and he'll laugh right along with the trailer trash in the audience.  If we're sitting in a group talking with friends he'll say something just to me, try to start a conversation between us when I'm trying to talk to everyone else.  All those hours I spend with him aren't fun, but I'm a spineless loser.  I'm only afraid of starting to be like him.

First off, I'd like to say that I hate people who say 'God bless America'.  What if God doesn't want to bless America?  You can't just command him, 'God, bless America dammit'.  Shit, if I was God (more on this later) bless America is the last thing I'd do.  I'd smote it first, about 90% of it or so.  Anybody who says that is either using religion for political gain or politics for religious gain.

I'd almost forgotten about this blog.  Mid-summer depression has again set in, and it isn't even mid-summer.  None of my friends have called me except for the annoying one I hate, but I keep an active social life on a forum or two online.  Ha, loser.

I've been doing some TFC mapping.  If you didn't know it, TFC is a mod of a computer game called Half-Life, it stand for Team Fortress Classic.  Mapping is incredibly frustrating, I want to kill myself after realizing I spent a whole evening and night on a part, but screwed it up somehow, I have to keep redoing it, hunting down goddamn leaks and crap.

I'm trying out for all-state on bass trombone next year.  I take lessons probably from the most expensive and furthest away teacher in the area.  I practice nearly every day though, I'm determined to do this, even though I suck.

I'm in the process of putting home video onto DVD. I'm doing some videos from 2001 now, when I was in middle school.  I was such a loser back then, its incredibly embarressing to watch. Shit, I've even matured since I started this blog.  Those first posts are crap, don't read them.  Pisses me off.  At least I've matured quite a bit since then...I think.